My Key to Peace

      “Is God pleased with me?” That is the question that hovers just below the surface soon after those pesky accusing thoughts sneak in. And the answer to that question is what most controls my peace.

     Since I was a young child I have always been afraid of breaking the law or doing anything wrong. I never imagined that one day I would shop specifically for court clothes because I would need them so often… or that the jail receptionist would know my child’s name by my face when I step up to the information window. I have now mastered the art of going through the metal detectors and have sat beside more than one of my children, more times than I can remember, on those cold, hard benches awaiting the judge. I have felt the gaze of accusation from those watching me. I have stood silent before their assumptions and wrestled with self-doubt and self-condemnation. I have watched my son be mocked in the newspaper, condemned to prison in the courtroom, handcuffed and led away… “How could I have failed so miserably at being what he needed?” As I mull over the years of his life and replay memories of my sin and weakness, the question always surfaces… “God, what do You think of me?”

     The only solution I have found to this crushing weight of lonely pain is to simply ask God my question. I ask Him to show me the lies I’m believing and lead me to the truth. No one else can give me the answer that my soul longs to hear. I have to hear it straight from Jesus.

     Since I’m already out over my head,  I would like to share with you a window into my conversation with Jesus, what I believe He’s told me through scripture in response to my question. I will include references at the end, because the scriptures are what anchor my heart in these truths. The only reason God can say this to me is because Jesus died for my sins. The day I put my trust in Him as my Savior and asked Him to forgive me He took all my sin and brokenness, washed me clean and made me new. That is the solid rock I stand on. Without this rock the answer would be very different. If you are asking God the same question… come, I so want you to know-- there’s room on this rock for you too!

 

My Child,

     Yes, you are my child. What you feel for your child, that deep longing for connection, I feel that for you too. You are precious to me, beautiful to me. I see myself in you. I enjoy you!

      I have placed your children in your care because I trust you, and you are doing a good job. Of course, you’re not perfectly all they need. That’s ok. I Am. I Am the one who will restore their souls. I Am their Savior. I Am the one who will set them free. I Am the one who will satisfy and heal the ache in their hearts. It’s Me! You don’t have to do any of that. You are there to love them and walk alongside them. You are doing a great work. You represent my heart, this love that will not give up, that pursues and carries and endures.

      I know you feel numb sometimes. It’s ok. This is a long journey. It’s ok to breathe and rest and find joy. I give you my peace and my joy. Go ahead and laugh today! Laugh because I am carrying all this, and you are free to love without carrying the weight of all their needs that you were never designed to bear. Give them to Me.

     Yes, your sin and mistakes affected them. They have wounds. But I Am your Savior and theirs. I have washed you clean. Now it is as if you had never sinned. All I see is the love you have given and I say “Well done, Child!”

     Look at Me. Look at My eyes. I hold your face in My hands and lift your chin and say “I… love... you.” I surround you with My favor as with a shield.

     And I am going after your children, to give them all I bought for them on the cross. I Am enough for them, and I Am enough for you. And yes! I Am pleased with you!

 

1 John 3:1; Song of Songs 4:1; Genesis 1:27; Psalm 149:4; Ephesians 2:10; Exodus 3:14; Psalm 23:3; Luke 2:11; Isaiah 61:1; Isaiah 55:1,2; John 14:27, John 15:9,11; Philippians 4:4; Romans 5:1,2; Romans 8:1; Psalm 32:1,2; 1 Corinthians 13:13; Psalm 3:3; Psalm 5:12; Song of Songs 4:9,10

Throwing Off Fear

     Fear covers me like a thick blanket wrapped over my face--- heavy, choking out air, but I throw it off because “…God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”(2 Timothy 1:7NKJV). I am not helpless as I wait for my child to come back into the light. God has given me a spirit of power. The Holy Spirit is alive in me and He is roaring like a lion, strong and mighty; and as God leads, I pray and He does things. He moves. He is alive and active and passionately pursuing my child. He is not worried. He is confident. He knows how to save the lost. He specializes in miracles, and in redeeming the lives of those with no hope. He has a plan. He is a mighty warrior and He has already defeated every evil power that would come against my child. This is the whole reason He came---“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.”(Luke 19:10 NIV). He delights to show mercy. He raises the dead. He brings dry bones to life. “For nothing is impossible with God.”(Luke 1:37 NLT). I do not see all that happens when I pray, but God says in James 5:16 “The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” Because of Jesus’ death and resurrection, my sins are forgiven. Because of His great mercy I am clean and righteous before Him, and my prayers are powerful and effective. The voice of fear lies. It tells me I am helpless. But I refuse to let it cover me. I throw it off in Jesus’ name, and take my place of royal authority… on my knees.

 

LORD God, I come to You in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. You died for me and my children, and have broken the power of sin over our lives. Thank-you Jesus. I come to you boldly as Your bride and as Your beloved child and I ask You to reach out Your hand to my children, LORD. Open their eyes that they can see Your love for them personally. Help them to see Your hand extended out to them beckoning them into Your embrace. Please bring conviction to their hearts when they sin, that they would recognize their sin and turn from it and follow You. Please protect them, LORD. You came to “bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners…”(Isaiah 61:1). So I ask You LORD, where my children need healing, please heal them. Where they need to know the truth, please shine the light of Your Word and set them free. I declare life and freedom over my children in Jesus’ name. I declare that they belong to You, Jesus. Thank-you LORD that You hear my prayers. Every other name bows to You, Jesus. I love You. “I wait for You, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.”(Psalm 38:15). In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen. 

I Will Bear Much Fruit

God promises us in John 15:5… “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

There is something very freeing in realizing that in my own strength I am barren. I wonder if I would ever begin to grasp it if my children had no issues, or if I always had something profound to say. The realization of my utter need for Jesus is one of the treasures I have found hidden in the darkness of watching my children struggle. It has driven me to Him, kept me seeking to know Him more, trust Him more. It has positioned me to glimpse His amazing grace, to experience His deep love independent of my success as a mother. John 15:5 tells me that the pressure is off. The fruit of my life will come from one thing… remaining in Christ, Who loves me.

Today I come to You, LORD, with my heart wide open, wanting to know You, wanting to love You. That’s all I can bring. And You say… “That’s enough. Come on in!”

 

(The following poem includes a reference to Elizabeth, whose story can be found in Luke 1:5-25. She was barren for ninety years until God brought forth John the Baptist from her womb. Jesus says of John in Luke 7:28 “…among those born of women there is no one greater than John”.)

In The Darkness

Barren

I wait on You.
You wait for me.
Tiny seeds of humility
In the darkness grow.

Hidden under quiet days

Where no one knows my soul,
And I wonder why
I can’t feel yours.

Who am I LORD?

No, who are you?
Blinded by the earth
That covers me and blocks my view
I push toward the warmth.

It’s true I cannot see You now

But the mystery is that somehow
Within these tiny sprouts you’ve placed a gift.
The weight of dirt cannot hold back
The force behind these simple cracks
The power in Your gift… tenacious faith.

Oh LORD, I long to see Your face,

Run into Your heart’s embrace.
To see the glory in Your eyes
And feel my soul be satisfied.
To catch that first full glimpse of Light
And blink away the long dark night.
To feel You move within my womb
Creating life out of a tomb.

Elizabeth…

Ninety years of barrenness
Formed a womb of humbleness
From which a man of greatness
Could safely be born.

Jesus, in my barrenness

Please bring forth Your humbleness—
From which something of Your greatness
Can safely be born.

 

 

Mother's Day

The following is a true story, though a few minor details have been changed. It is dedicated to mothers of prodigals. There is an ache in this story, especially on Mother's Day. But  I refuse to dwell in the ache. Instead I choose today to trust in God who loves me, who cares about my heart, who understands my pain and who is pursuing my children with great compassion and power to set them free.

 
Redemption

This is a story of redemption

Because there is a Savior who hears the cries of a mother
Because He has children of His own
And He understands.

 I’ll never forget that first night.

They laid you up on my bare chest, and I felt you breathe
All night long.
You were alive and you were perfect
Tiny, vulnerable, beautiful.
I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone.
Joy overruled my exhausted body
Keeping me awake all night just feeling you
Skin to skin.
Soft, warm head nestled under my chin,
Tiny fingers wrapped ‘round mine.
I heard every noise you made, and when you were quiet
I’d check to be sure you were still breathing.
I would never allow anyone to hurt you
No matter what.
I would die for you.

 Too soon

You were standing beside me as I looked in the mirror one day.
You climbed up on a stool until your face joined my reflection.
Brown hair tousled from wrestling with your brother
A smudge of breakfast on your chin.
You had my eyes.
Dancing as they looked up into mine…
“Mommy, you look as pretty as a rainbow!”

I don’t really know the moment

It all began to unravel---
My dream of your safety.
But somehow you slipped out of my grasp.
You were no longer safe in my arms.
You had stepped out into the cold
Away from innocence.

Maybe it was the day I came down to your room

And smelled the sickening stench of cigarette smoke…
Or found the little bag of pills in your pocket.
I know it all began way before
That first middle-of-the-night discovery
That you were not in your bed.
It must have begun somewhere in the middle
Of the fights I could not mediate
The answers I did not have
The emotions I was powerless to heal.

Eventually there were 911 calls and ER visits,

Walking through those sterile doors to find you rescued,
Nearly dead, but not yet.
Any day I could get the call
That they found you too late.
Another news broadcast, new crimes.
“Was it my son?”
Every day seeking help
Praying hard
Try another counselor, drug rehab, 12-step groups
Someone help us!
I finally had to…
Let you go.

As the last threads unraveled

The fraying had only begun to work on another dream---
The dream of keeping my other children safe…
From you.
We buy another safe, install new locks, hide things.
Crouched down, hiding in the closet
“What’s happening Mom?”
Pleading faces begging for freedom
From someone else’s chains.
It’s not fair.

Waiting in front of that lonely jail

Until they call his name.
We are less than human here.
No one knows our pain.
Herded through thick, black doors, slammed and locked behind.
Through the glass on muffled phones
What do we say?
Well, at least he is safe now.
This is what safety has become.

 But there is another safety

That I live in…
Another dream that can’t unravel.
A stronger safety, a Savior
Jesus.
He has written the rest of this redemption story
And one day I will read it.
The miracle story of amazing grace will go something like this…

 

Luke 8:26-39

“Have you seen the monster?!” I heard a child say.

“He runs around naked every day.

He screams and cuts himself with stones

And hides in caves full of dead men’s bones.

My dad told me never, no never go near.

He even whispered in my ear…

“He’s violent, he must be chained up alone.

He’s crazy. I think his mind is blown.

His hair is wild, a child of the devil.

Crime after crime, all he does is evil.”

 I wanted to scream, “That man is my son!

I birthed him and nursed him.

I remember him young.

Innocent, pure, running, free.

Laughing and grinning high up in a tree.

He’d bring me flowers and call out my name

“Mommy! Come quick! I just caught a fish!

Mommy! Do you want to know what I wished?!”

Small, grubby arms wrapped round my neck

Sticky wet kisses smacked straight on my lips.

Long, deep gazes into my eyes.

I loved that child.

I’d give him my life.

 Wrong choices snowballed until one day

He walked out my door and went far away.

He never said good-bye.

He just left. And I watched him painfully step by step

Grow farther and farther beyond my grasp.

And then he was gone.

I knelt to pray.

And that’s what I’ve done ‘til this very day

When he burst through my door

And yelled “Mom! I’m healed!

My chains are gone! I can think! I can feel!

Hug me! I’m clean! I’m whiter than snow!

Jesus came and made me whole!”

 Now many had told me “Get up off your knees.

It’s hopeless. You failed to meet all his needs.

It’s too late. He’s gone. Just go hide your face.

But I know my God. He’s so full of grace!

He saw not a monster, but His dear child’s face,

Twisted and tortured and full of disgrace.

He loved that child. He gave him His life.

And now this whole village has come to know Christ!

 

“He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners…”Isaiah 61:1

                           “…no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.” Isaiah 64:4

                           “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
                           Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:13,14

A Stronger Safety

 

     Safety… it seems to be a basic need. When I don’t feel safe, I don’t have peace. To be honest with you, writing a blog does not feel at all safe to me. There is nowhere to hide. I am exposed to the entire world. But just beyond my fear there is a safety that is stronger than the safety of being unknown. It is stronger than the safety of order and control and not making mistakes. And it is stronger than the safety of having well-adjusted children who follow the rules, make wise choices, love God and love me. This Stronger Safety is a person—Jesus Christ, and this blog will be about Him.

     Scripture says in 2 Corinthians 1:4 that God “…comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” So that is my goal here. You see, I have five children ranging in age from 12-24, and with them have come many joys but also many heartaches. So I have had oodles of opportunities to receive comfort from the LORD and, like bills in the mail, opportunities just keep coming! I have begun to suspect that this may be a longer journey than I ever imagined on the day we welcomed that first little bundle of joy into our home. My challenge in writing this blog will be in how to share enough of our family’s story with you to bring you hope, without betraying my family’s right to tell or not tell their own story. And so I will try to relate to you my own thoughts and feelings while leaving many of the gory details of our experience unspoken.

     This blog will not be a place to come for advice, strategies or answers. Rather it will be a place to come and lean into the arms of the Lover of Your Soul as you walk through the pain of watching your children struggle and hurt. I have no answers. I’m not yet safe on the other side with the happy ending. I’m right here with you and my goal is simply to pass on to you the comfort that I receive from the LORD, so that you will know that you are not alone. Jesus says that He is close to the brokenhearted. I find great comfort and strength in that truth. His answer to our brokenheartedness is that He is near. He is not running away from all our raw pain. He is doing the opposite—running near to us, closer in. God says to us in Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” When our hearts break we are given a treasure—the close Presence of the LORD. That is what we will hold onto and be held by, as we wait for our prodigals to come home. May God bless you, Dear One Who Is Greatly Loved by the LORD.