“Visitors for Popa.” The officer propped open the
heavy steel door, allowing us to enter. We held our jackets open as he wanded
us down, front then back, one by one. Satisfied that we were weapon-free, he
unlocked the next steel door leading into the room where we would visit our
son. To my left, a wall-length black window hid the officer who would supervise
our visit. Ignoring him, my eyes scanned the several small cubicles on the
right. There he was, silently waiting behind the thick glass. We bent down
under the counter and watched for the flashing light that would signal us to
pick up the phone and begin our awkward, recorded 30 minute visit. This is our
Sunday routine.
As I gazed into my son’s eyes through the glass today
I realized how deeply I miss him. Regular sleep and three meals a day… he
looked healthier than approximately 75 days ago when his drug-addict lifestyle
had brought him in. Laughing shyly and retelling a funny experience, the glint
in his eyes drew my heart in to him. For a brief moment, the innocent freedom
of joy connected our hearts and we were one again. This child, who was
energized by risk-taking and lived outside the box, who took more of my time
and energy than all my other children combined, could also make me laugh more
than anyone in the world. As we laughed today I realized the huge void I feel
with him gone.
What do I do with my life now? My children were my job
and they’re leaving. Maintaining emotional equilibrium has never been my forte,
but I don’t recall ever feeling so consistently weak. Anxiety closes in and I
feel lost inside, frantically trying to find the door in the dark.
My youngest son says my brain is glitchy. We laugh,
but in reality this isn’t funny to me. There is a brokenness in me somewhere
that I can’t fix.
A glitch is
when I think about myself way too much, making it hard to concentrate on the
world outside. Underlying all this self-focus is a pesky lie that God will not
take care of me. I have been a Christian for nearly 50 years. That’s a long
time to walk with the LORD and still glitch. You would think by now I would
trust Him unwaveringly.
It says in Hebrews 10:23(NIV) “Let us hold unswervingly to the
hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” God is faithful…
trustworthy… he will do what He has promised.
What has God promised me? Peace,
joy, hope, fruitfulness, steadfast love, forgiveness, righteousness, beauty,
protection, guidance, wisdom. He promises me that He will speak to me, bless me
and my children, teach me, answer my prayers, lead me in good paths, make me a
fisher of men, hold me secure, never leave me. He will rejoice over me with
singing, empower me to do whatever He calls me to and surround me with His
favor as with a shield. I will not
throw away my confidence.
“So
do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.”
Hebrews 10:35(NIV)
Jesus loves me, even though I waver. He actually chooses
weak people to be His dearly loved children. He says to me “Weakness? No
problem… it’s just a glitch!”
I would never have survived this many glitches without
Jesus. He is my only stability, and if it were not for Him I would always
glitch, not just once in a while.
In times of emotional chaos my strong Savior
understands me. He holds me and says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9(NIV)
He also says “…let the weak say, I am strong.”
Joel 3:10(KJV). Jesus sees my weakness more completely than I do, and yet He
invites me to say “I am Strong!” What makes a person strong? Is it how they
feel? Isn’t it rather who they are in their core? I have the Spirit of the
resurrected Christ in me, in my core. The truth is… He has all of my needs
covered and He is bursting for me to get out there and release His strong love
onto a lost and hurting world.
LORD, thank-you for Your Strength that lives in me. I
am Strong! Your joy lifts up my head. Your faithfulness leads me out of
frantically trying to protect myself. Thank-you for loving me, for tenderly taking
care of me, and for covering my weakness with grace. Please teach me to trust You without wavering.
