Safer than a Glass Box

When I was a teenager, and into my twenties, I struggled with bulimia. A few people eventually knew, but for the most part I lived a desperately lonely, secret life. My days revolved around trying to control my eating and my weight. I felt like I walked around in a glass box, able to see the people around me, but unable to feel their touch. They offered me love, which I outwardly accepted, but in my heart I rejected it thinking, “If you only knew the ugly thoughts I have, you wouldn’t love me.” My soul was starving because I wouldn’t take in love from people who didn’t really know me, which was everyone. And shame kept me hiding.

Fast forward 30 years.

My son was sentenced on Friday, and Sunday at church someone came up to me and said “I saw the article in the paper…”  My heart sank and my first inclination was to hide, because I hadn’t seen the article yet. My thoughts raced… “What did they say about my son this time?” And then… “What do people think of me?”

One beautiful gift God has given me through all this pain is the gift of a Hiding Place. I am learning that I don’t have to hide inside myself. I can run into the safety of my Savior who knows me completely--- every sin and failure, everything I’ve done wrong, every parenting mistake that affected my children--- and He stands tall behind me, smiling, and wraps His big strong arms around me. And He speaks out loud into my ear, in front of everyone, that I am forgiven and that He delights in me. Outrageous grace!

 “ALL BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE, MY DARLING;

THERE IS NO FLAW IN YOU.”

Song of Songs 4:7

If, like me, you have struggled with shame, I want you to know that this Hiding Place is handicap accessible. It is made for weak and broken people, with a Door that flings wide open when we choose to trust Jesus. Jesus says in John 10:9 “I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved…” The button is a simple desperate prayer--- “Jesus, I need You. Please help me.”

And once we enter by the Door, Jesus gives us full access to Himself.

This is an amazing gift and I wish I could unwrap it all at once. But for me, it’s been a progressive journey of coming to trust that I am secure, always and forever, held safe in Jesus’ arms. Some days trusting God is easier than on other days. Some days I still flounder. But when I look back through the years I know that through every trial Jesus is wooing my heart, drawing me to Himself, showing me more and more of His faithfulness. That is His goodness. As painful as it can be, I am thankful for every opportunity to run deeper into the heart of God--- My Hiding Place. As I cling to His Word, He speaks to me… “I love you.”

One day at a time, My Hiding Place is becoming more and more my home.

                            “You are a hiding place for me;

 you preserve me from trouble;

 you surround me with shouts of deliverance.”

Psalm 32:7