Just a Glitch

“Visitors for Popa.” The officer propped open the heavy steel door, allowing us to enter. We held our jackets open as he wanded us down, front then back, one by one. Satisfied that we were weapon-free, he unlocked the next steel door leading into the room where we would visit our son. To my left, a wall-length black window hid the officer who would supervise our visit. Ignoring him, my eyes scanned the several small cubicles on the right. There he was, silently waiting behind the thick glass. We bent down under the counter and watched for the flashing light that would signal us to pick up the phone and begin our awkward, recorded 30 minute visit. This is our Sunday routine.

As I gazed into my son’s eyes through the glass today I realized how deeply I miss him. Regular sleep and three meals a day… he looked healthier than approximately 75 days ago when his drug-addict lifestyle had brought him in. Laughing shyly and retelling a funny experience, the glint in his eyes drew my heart in to him. For a brief moment, the innocent freedom of joy connected our hearts and we were one again. This child, who was energized by risk-taking and lived outside the box, who took more of my time and energy than all my other children combined, could also make me laugh more than anyone in the world. As we laughed today I realized the huge void I feel with him gone.

What do I do with my life now? My children were my job and they’re leaving. Maintaining emotional equilibrium has never been my forte, but I don’t recall ever feeling so consistently weak. Anxiety closes in and I feel lost inside, frantically trying to find the door in the dark.

My youngest son says my brain is glitchy. We laugh, but in reality this isn’t funny to me. There is a brokenness in me somewhere that I can’t fix.

 A glitch is when I think about myself way too much, making it hard to concentrate on the world outside. Underlying all this self-focus is a pesky lie that God will not take care of me. I have been a Christian for nearly 50 years. That’s a long time to walk with the LORD and still glitch. You would think by now I would trust Him unwaveringly.

It says in Hebrews 10:23(NIV) “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” God is faithful… trustworthy… he will do what He has promised.

What has God promised me?   Peace, joy, hope, fruitfulness, steadfast love, forgiveness, righteousness, beauty, protection, guidance, wisdom. He promises me that He will speak to me, bless me and my children, teach me, answer my prayers, lead me in good paths, make me a fisher of men, hold me secure, never leave me. He will rejoice over me with singing, empower me to do whatever He calls me to and surround me with His favor as with a shield.  I will not throw away my confidence.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.” Hebrews 10:35(NIV)

Jesus loves me, even though I waver. He actually chooses weak people to be His dearly loved children. He says to me “Weakness? No problem… it’s just a glitch!”

I would never have survived this many glitches without Jesus. He is my only stability, and if it were not for Him I would always glitch, not just once in a while.

In times of emotional chaos my strong Savior understands me. He holds me and says “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9(NIV)

He also says “…let the weak say, I am strong.” Joel 3:10(KJV). Jesus sees my weakness more completely than I do, and yet He invites me to say “I am Strong!” What makes a person strong? Is it how they feel? Isn’t it rather who they are in their core? I have the Spirit of the resurrected Christ in me, in my core. The truth is… He has all of my needs covered and He is bursting for me to get out there and release His strong love onto a lost and hurting world.

 

LORD, thank-you for Your Strength that lives in me. I am Strong! Your joy lifts up my head. Your faithfulness leads me out of frantically trying to protect myself.  Thank-you for loving me, for tenderly taking care of me, and for covering my weakness with grace.  Please teach me to trust You without wavering.

 

Send Someone!

Jesus always makes the first move to draw people into His arms, into knowing Him and how deeply He loves them. He doesn’t just sit back and wait for us to figure it out.

When I have felt lost, I’ve felt LOST. I’ve had no clue how to find my way. I’ve wandered in circles. But God, who is full of compassion for lost souls, intervenes and pursues His children.

I probably sound like a broken record, writing that truth week after week. But it’s because over and over I need to remind the enemy of my soul that I am not listening to any of his lies. I am drowning them out. I am standing on the truth of God’s Word, that God is pursuing my children, God is pursuing my children, GOD IS PURSUING MY CHILDREN… with a fierce, unrelenting passion.

In Acts 26 the Apostle Paul tells King Agrippa his true story of how Jesus supernaturally appeared to him, when he was way off track, and called him to be His witness… such amazing grace and redemption. Paul was to go out and tell people what he had personally experienced of Jesus. Acts 26:17,18(NIV) says…

 “I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.”

I believe these are verses we can pray. God looks for people willing to be sent. “LORD, send me!” And He also hears a parent’s cry, “LORD, send someone to open my child's eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God…”

 

"Remember Your Servants..."

As a beloved child of The Most High God, I am God’s servant, seated in a position of great honor in the LORD’s sight. Of course, it’s all by pure grace, unearned in any way. It is such a lavish gift, this position I now hold in His affection, His cherished daughter, guarded as the apple of His eye. And God is gracious to my children simply because of His overflowing affection for me. Isn’t that worthy of shouting and dancing hysterically with joy?!!

More often than I’d like to admit I have been guilty of being joyless. I think I must have a naturally low threshold of serotonin balance or whatever chemicals in me so quickly get out of whack. But I cannot hold the tiniest hint of a grudge without getting depressed. I have to fight to keep my mind focused on truths such as were presented in the opening paragraph. We are in a war, and I cannot retreat from the fight. So I am returning to this blog after a month of retreating and floundering, because having to write requires that I hold onto truth firmly or I cannot proclaim it. Actually, I think proclaiming it cements my grip.

So today I proclaim to you Deuteronomy 9:26, 27.

Moses prayed to the LORD, “O Sovereign LORD, do not destroy your people, your own inheritance that you redeemed by your great power and brought out of Egypt with a mighty hand. Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Overlook the stubbornness of this people, their wickedness and their sin.”

I am struck by the phrase “Remember your servants…” Moses’ appeal to God on behalf of the rebellious Israelites was based on God’s love for Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Moses knew that God’s heart is tender toward His servants, and thus for their sake He would have mercy on their children.

When in some way my children should turn away from God, I can appeal to Him to move on their behalf… because of this amazing, unearned place of grace and favor that I hold in His heart as His servant.

Today I will shout and dance hysterically for joy (after I close the curtains) because I think that is the only worthy response.

 “Dear LORD, remember me when You look upon my children.

 Thank-you for Your unrelenting faithfulness.”

The End of the Christmas Story

The simple Gospel… that’s what Christmas is all about—Jesus coming for people who don’t have it all together. It’s not about everyone in my family being sober and happy and here, and it’s not about us all getting along and feeling that wonderful Christmassy feeling. In all our mess and brokenness… we have a Savior!

I have lived in a measure of brokenness a long time, waiting for certain desperate prayers to be answered, and at a glance it looks like God has not intervened. I can imagine that the Israelites might feel the same way--- suffering persecution, heartache, oppression, attacks. But in Isaiah 46:3,4  God says…  

“Listen to me, O house of Jacob,

 all you who remain of the house of Israel,

 you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,

 and have carried since your birth.

 Even to your old age and gray hairs

 I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

 I have made you and I will carry you;

 I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

 

God has tenderly upheld and carried Israel’s family and He will continue to carry them, sustain them and rescue them all their days, whether or not they are aware of or understand His actions on their behalf. Their history is all part of the Christmas story and we can now read it and see God’s faithfulness. They have survived and their end will be GLORIOUS.

 Galatians 3:29 says “If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.” As a believer in Jesus Christ, the LORD has grafted me into this family and I receive the same care. The LORD is upholding, carrying, sustaining and rescuing me and my family. When God made these promises to the Israelites, they were not just to individuals, but to the whole family. And He says to me in Isaiah 49:23 “…those who hope in me will not be disappointed.”

 So today I am fixing my eyes not on the mess, but on the Savior. And this gives me joy!

 

“Thank-you Jesus, that You are upholding, carrying, sustaining and rescuing us. Someday I will see the end of this Christmas story and it will shine forth with Your breathtaking faithfulness. Thank-you, my Beautiful Savior.”

The Perfect Gift for Parents of Prodigals

The shrill sound of a whistle pierced the air again. “Traveling”.  His fists clenched and my heart sank as I watched his pain seep out through the cracks of the lid. He tried hard to keep it all down under, but the boiling threatened to explode at any moment. He was “not good enough”… working harder than anyone out there and losing the joy of the game.

How can I tell him he’s already good enough? “Play like it doesn’t matter how you do. Play like it’s just fun.”

What a picture of my own struggle. I need to hear those words over my life too. “Play like it doesn’t matter how you do. Play like it’s just fun.” So much of the pressure falls off when I let Jesus whisper that into my ear. He tells me I’m already loved, already pleasing to Him because Jesus died for my sins and made me perfectly right with Him.

I find it challenging at Christmastime to find a gift for someone who doesn’t need anything. It is easy to give to those with lots of visible needs, but a gift brings less joy when it’s perceived to be unneeded. One of the benefits of having a prodigal child is that I am regularly forced to see the “in my face” truth of my neediness. It’s not only “in my face” but it’s also out there for others to see.

 When my children were little I found comfort in a sign on a friend’s refrigerator that said “If parents were perfect, their children wouldn’t need God.” I think I could add another sign… “If parents were perfect they wouldn’t need God.

I need God. And one of the worst places I can be is away from that truth. There is a sweet spot that can be found somewhere in the middle of recognizing my total inadequacy to meet my child’s deep needs. It can also be found when I feel like I have nothing to write, no answers, no strength to hold my own head up, let alone anyone else’s. It is that wonderful place where my thirsty heart soaks up the words of Luke 2:10,11…

“But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you  good news of great joy that will be for  all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.”

 

“Father God, You have given me the perfect gift—Jesus.

Thank-you with all my heart.

 Jesus, I am a sinner and lost without You.

 You are my Savior and I throw myself into Your arms

 and cling to Your neck with my whole being.

 Thank-you for loving me just as I am.”

I Believe

"I would have despaired unless I had believed

 that I would see the goodness of the LORD

 in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

Be strong and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the LORD."

 

Psalm 27:13-14

Manoah's Parenting Manual: How to Raise a Wild Man

Just tell me what to do. Teach me the rule; show me the boundary. Make known to me the plan, the steps to take to get there--- then I feel safe. I can relate to Manoah, the father of Samson in Judges 13. Manoah’s wife, who had been barren, was told by the LORD that she would have a son who would deliver Israel from their enemies. What was Manoah’s response to this awesome news? In Judge 13:8 he responded by begging God “…teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born.” Again in verse 12 he says “…what is to be the rule for the boy’s life and work?” God almost seems to not answer the question, because His answer was simply that they were to dedicate him to the LORD. I can imagine them standing there wondering “But what do we do?”

I think God was saying “You won’t be able to prepare him by rules. Only I can empower him to do the work I’ve created him to do. Your job is to continually give him over to Me.”

As a parent I’ve often felt clueless when faced with decisions about rules for a child who will not obey. Fear rushes in as I envision the dangerous path my child is on, and a lie blasts in my ears that his safety and future depend on which rule I pick. Samson was a wild man. Had he lived today I think he probably would have spent many a school day in the principal’s office, and years in trouble with the law. He was not one to say “Just tell me what to do.” I think it was God’s mercy to tell Samson’s parents right from the start, “This is My child. You do the best you can to raise him according to My Word, but it will be My Spirit stirring him that will empower him and make him great.”

This week the words of Judges 13:25 have been cycling through my heart. “…the Spirit of the LORD began to stir him…” This is a gentle yet powerful phrase. The great Creator of the universe interacts intimately with us such that He can “stir” us… God interacting with one single human heart. No matter how successful and prosperous our children appear, no matter how good we may have done at parenting, the truth remains that their ultimate success depends solely on the Spirit of the LORD beginning to stir them.

 

“LORD, I give my children to You. Thank-you that You are holding them. In Jesus’ name I ask You to stir their hearts to know You. Stir their hearts to hunger for Your Word and hear Your voice. Stir their hearts to love You passionately and give their lives to follow You.”