Whispers through the Lattice

I know it’s been quite a while now since I’ve written you. In this post I will give an explanation for my silence.

I have felt an increasing sense of urgency to “… go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:60) Time is short. And our God is grand beyond measure.

To that end I have poured out my heart into a book declaring, as best I can, the liberating words of life given to us in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

As those of you who have read my blog know, our family has experienced the relentless waves of grief that come while watching a loved one suffer with addiction and incarceration. Sometimes people say something to me like “I don’t know how you get through this.” This book is my answer.

The book is called Whispers through the Lattice and it is about the extravagant grace of God and my journey of discovering it.

The only way I survive the pain of life is by daily straining to hear the whispers of the Lover of my soul, Whose voice gives me peace and comfort and joy.

Why does He whisper? I believe it’s because He wants us to draw near to Him, to get close enough so His breath is felt on our cheeks.

He whispers through the lattice, the thin veil that separates us in this life from seeing Him in His full glory.

This book is an invitation. Come, press your face up against that lattice and hear His life-giving whispers that come with the breath of His power to strengthen and comfort your heart.

Through poems, stories and scripture I share some of my own journey. I hope that it will stir up spiritual hunger in your own heart to pursue a deeper relationship with the God Who is wildly pursuing you with His overwhelming, indescribably beautiful grace.

Whispers through the Lattice is available on Amazon.com at https://www.amazon.com/author/susanpopa

I also have a Facebook page at Whispers through the Lattice @susanpopaauthor.

Please consider partnering with me in this effort by “liking” and sharing my posts, and by reviewing my book on Amazon.com. Your reviews are so appreciated and really do make a difference in helping get this book out there to as many people as possible.

Thank-you! You are loved!

The Way to Remember

“… they have forgotten the LORD their God.” Jeremiah 3:21

Somehow, I forgot. The forgetting slipped in gradually, stealth, until suddenly I lost my grip. I don’t know how some people do it, maintain sanity without faith in God. I can’t. When I am not trusting God I can hardly function.

It was not that I completely lost my faith in God, but I simply stopped believing He would answer my prayers. I forgot the taste of His goodness.

This post is for anyone who feels faithless while watching their child suffer, or for that matter, faithless for any reason.

Many years ago now I came to a point in my life where I realized I didn’t have a clue how to find comfort in God. I had been a Christian for at least 25 years at that point, and yet my drug of choice to fill the longing void in my heart was food. I asked God to show me how to find my comfort in Him and, through some hard choices, He did answer that prayer.

But this has been a hard winter. And Sunday night as I lay in bed on the evening of my incarcerated son’s birthday, my mind replayed our visit from the day before. I had tried to ignore the looming razor-wire fences which surround the facility in which he is housed, but I couldn’t drown out the stark glimpses of prison life and the depth of loneliness he experiences. I felt overcome with sorrow, a hard ball of pain stuck deep inside me. I didn’t know how to talk about it, let alone deal with it. It had been seeping out all week, in anticipation of our visit, as I anxiously tried to control my life.

Where could I find comfort? I was faithless, my mind racing to find some way, some plan, to ease this heartache, because lately I had been unable to find relief in God. Suddenly a quiet thought slipped through the chaos, sparking my memory—Jesus called the Holy Spirit “The Comforter”. How could I have forgotten what I learned years ago?

A wisp of light flickered in my heart and I asked God once again to show me how to find my comfort in Him.

I decided to do as I had done those many years before and ask God to lead me to the place in His Word where He would speak comfort to my heart. I laid aside my structured “Read through the Bible in a Year” plan. Tentatively, I opened the Bible at random to Jeremiah 3, and God in His faithfulness began to draw me.

“Return, O faithless children, declares the LORD; for I am your master… I thought you would call me, My Father, and would not turn from following me… Return, O faithless sons; I will heal your faithlessness.” Jeremiah 3:14,19,22

To one struggling with doubt, these words were like honey. When I am faithless, God yearns for me. And He wants me to call Him “My Father,” not just Father. He wants me to know He is personally accessible to me. I have a Father who I can cling to and trust that He will not reject me because of my doubts. God is my place of security and safety and love. I can stop trying to find comfort somewhere else—frantically trying to figure out what I need.

God is not waiting for me to work up faith. He just beckons me to come to Him, and says He will take care of my faithlessness. He will heal it. All I have to do is return, run into His strong arms and let Him heal me. Faithlessness is like a sickness in need of My Father’s healing touch. And He doesn’t heal this sickness from a distance. No, He wants the doubting one in His arms.

And so yesterday I ran to Him and clung to His chest and cried out my questions. “Why are You seeming so distant and like You are ignoring me? It’s been so long, LORD. It’s hard to believe You care when my son remains hurting. Why haven’t You healed him? And… is it my fault?

I cried, “God, these are the questions that swirl around inside me and I don’t know what to do with them. So here’s my heart, My Father. Please heal my faithlessness. Please comfort me.”

As I continued to pour out my heart to The Comforter, I felt that painful knot inside me begin to unravel. He truly is The Comforter, and His embrace has begun to heal my faithlessness.

If you have forgotten… if you need to return…

The Comforter is accessible.

The Father wants you.

So just come to Him.

New Year's Hope

Once there was a man named Jairus. This is his story and this is my story, and maybe this is yours also.

Jairus had a little girl. She had beautiful brown eyes and dark hair and dimples. Every day when he came home from work she would come running down the path and jump into his arms. She would throw her soft arms around his neck and press a sloppy wet kiss onto his cheek and shout “I missed you Daddy!”

Well, one day she didn’t come. One day stretched to many days that he walked up that path alone only to find her lying in her bed in a dark corner of her room barely breathing. He had to do something but he felt completely helpless. “I’ve got to find Jesus,” he thought. “Maybe Jesus will heal her.” He knew Jesus could heal… but would He?

Jairus could barely move, squished like a pancake in the crowd. All those people with all their needs. Even though he was a leader in the church, he felt small and insignificant. Would Jesus come with him? He wasn’t even sure if he believed. But where else could he turn?

Finally, with Jesus before him “he fell at his feet and implored him earnestly saying “My little daughter is at the point of death. Come and lay your hands on her so that she may be made well and live.”(Mark 5:22,23)

Jesus agreed to come and Jairus leaped to his feet. Hope exploded within him and now he knew he believed. But then--- nothing. Jesus stood still. “Doesn’t he know my daughter is dying?! Why is He not moving?” Jairus watched, his hope deflating, while Jesus stopped to give all His attention to someone else. Jairus watched her be spoken to and healed and loved by Jesus while he himself was crawling out of his skin, feeling every painful second ticking by. And while he waited the voices came—“Give up your hope. Don’t believe anymore. Jesus is too busy to care about you. She is dead.”

But Jesus heard those voices too and He spoke louder. “Do not fear, only believe.”(Mark 5:36)

And then… He came! And this is where it gets exciting so I will let Jairus tell you the story from here.

Yes, He came! My house was full of mourners. Everywhere I looked people were crying and grieving and speaking out that she had died and that there was no hope. My heart was sinking, but Jesus reached out His hand and lifted me up and said with such authority that I believed Him… “The child is not dead but sleeping.”(Mark 5:39) I trusted Him. In the face of impossibility I trusted Him, because I knew that He was no ordinary man—He held the power to heal and… it was His eyes. They overflowed with a compassion I’d never seen anywhere.

Other people laughed and refused to believe. All they saw was death. But Jesus knew the truth and He saw life in my daughter. Jesus pulled me away from them and took me in where I would see the miracle. And then Jesus took her by the hand, my baby girl, and said to her “Little girl, I say to you, arise.”(Mark 5:41) And she arose! Just like that the dying was over. She was completely healed and walking, then running and jumping again into my arms! I laughed and wept and spun her around. And then… words cannot express my joy. I fell at His feet. 

“Jesus I love You. How can You be so good? Thank-you!"

I am Jairus and this is what happened to me, but it was written down for you.

As we begin the new year, I pray that this story, which was written down in scripture for us, will encourage you as it has me. When voices of fear or grief attempt to deflate our hope, I pray that we will hear Jesus’ voice louder. “Do not fear, only believe… The child is not dead but sleeping.”(Mark 5:36,39)

This year we can rejoice because we have this great Hope, the person of Jesus Christ, our Savior and our children’s Savior. So Happy New Year to you all!

"I'm Home!"

Nesting… I’ve found myself doing it again, but this time I’m not having a baby. This time I’m watching my babies jump out of the nest.

And so, I’ve been regrouping, trying to fill the void by creating an atmosphere of order and peace… redecorating with vibrant colors that invite laughter. When my family steps through our front door I want them to feel joy, hope, love and peacefulness. How do I create that?

That question has consumed me these last couple months as I’ve shopped resale stores, bought lots of house plants, and watched YouTube videos on topics such as reupholstering furniture and spray painting metal. I’ve actually laid awake at night mulling over and over deep questions such as “Which afghan should I lay out on that couch?” Silly… I know.

But I had three adult children, one son-in-law and one grandchild in the womb all jump out of this nest within five months. Suddenly this noisy, messy, overcrowded nest feels a wee bit deserted.

I have strained to reclaim an atmosphere of family here through all my redecorating efforts. However, that warm, cozy something that I crave but can’t quite create, is waiting for me every day just beyond the door---- in the secret place of the God who loves me.

“The eternal God is your dwelling place…”Deut. 33:27 (ESV)

When I open my heart's door to the secret place of prayer, Jesus greets me with arms wide open, an enormous grin and sparkling eyes that are bursting with the affection I yearn for. I take a deep breath and realize… I’m home!

Why do I sometimes search for home everywhere but here?

When I become obsessed with building my earthly house, I will remind myself that this is not my home. My home is the secret place, the shelter of the Most High.

“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.” Psalm 91:1,2 (NLT)

Ribbit!

The other day I snuck into My Hiding Place (see last week’s post, Safer than a Glass Box) and I asked the LORD how He sees me. As I closed my eyes in prayer I saw a picture of (don’t laugh) a frog. I thought “Oh, great… of all things. Couldn’t He see me as a princess or a beautiful child or a valiant warrior or something lovely or powerful? But then I heard Him whisper to my heart-- “You sing in the night, like My frogs.”

I like that. This is what I am doing here in this blog. I may not make the most beautiful sound, but I am singing out as a sign of life in the pitch blackness. If anyone out there is feeling hopeless or discouraged, I hope that it encourages you to know that you are not alone in your heartache. There is someone else here in the mud with you and I’m croaking out my song with all my heart. It goes like this… 

“Jesus is faithful. He loves you and He is enough to carry 

your heart every day through whatever you are facing.”

My father has a cabin way out in the sticks of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, and on many a trip up there we would make a nighttime visit to the frog pond. Upon arrival we would be told “Shhhh… turn off all the lights and don’t make a sound.” And then we would hear them… not just one frog, but a whole chorus. For such tiny creatures, together they were croaking out a symphony that was overpowering. In the middle of that wild and scary darkness there was singing coming from every direction.

So I guess what I am trying to say is… go ahead and sing out the encouragement God gives you. Don’t be afraid to share your story. Let’s make a beautiful ruckus in the middle of the night, and let the world know that there is life here. Because apart from Jesus, people don’t know that it’s possible to sing in the dark.

When we share God’s Word with each other, we build each other’s faith. Romans 10:17 says “So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.”

It says in Hebrews 11:30 “By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days.” Do you ever feel like any of your adult children have thick, impenetrable walls separating them from God and from you? Take heart! There was no sign of movement at all in the walls of Jericho until suddenly God brought them down. And He did it, not by human strength (or by a parent having the right skills or answers or advice). He did it “By faith”.  I want to be the best parent I can be, but the miracles I am waiting for will come only one way… by God’s grace through faith. And faith is not something I can muster up. It’s a gift God gives through the hearing of His Word. And through croaking it out! The more we hear and speak out the truths of God’s words, the more our faith grows.

  

Is there a song you could sing out today? Maybe you would like to share a line or two of your song here in the comments of this blog.   

Safer than a Glass Box

When I was a teenager, and into my twenties, I struggled with bulimia. A few people eventually knew, but for the most part I lived a desperately lonely, secret life. My days revolved around trying to control my eating and my weight. I felt like I walked around in a glass box, able to see the people around me, but unable to feel their touch. They offered me love, which I outwardly accepted, but in my heart I rejected it thinking, “If you only knew the ugly thoughts I have, you wouldn’t love me.” My soul was starving because I wouldn’t take in love from people who didn’t really know me, which was everyone. And shame kept me hiding.

Fast forward 30 years.

My son was sentenced on Friday, and Sunday at church someone came up to me and said “I saw the article in the paper…”  My heart sank and my first inclination was to hide, because I hadn’t seen the article yet. My thoughts raced… “What did they say about my son this time?” And then… “What do people think of me?”

One beautiful gift God has given me through all this pain is the gift of a Hiding Place. I am learning that I don’t have to hide inside myself. I can run into the safety of my Savior who knows me completely--- every sin and failure, everything I’ve done wrong, every parenting mistake that affected my children--- and He stands tall behind me, smiling, and wraps His big strong arms around me. And He speaks out loud into my ear, in front of everyone, that I am forgiven and that He delights in me. Outrageous grace!

 “ALL BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE, MY DARLING;

THERE IS NO FLAW IN YOU.”

Song of Songs 4:7

If, like me, you have struggled with shame, I want you to know that this Hiding Place is handicap accessible. It is made for weak and broken people, with a Door that flings wide open when we choose to trust Jesus. Jesus says in John 10:9 “I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved…” The button is a simple desperate prayer--- “Jesus, I need You. Please help me.”

And once we enter by the Door, Jesus gives us full access to Himself.

This is an amazing gift and I wish I could unwrap it all at once. But for me, it’s been a progressive journey of coming to trust that I am secure, always and forever, held safe in Jesus’ arms. Some days trusting God is easier than on other days. Some days I still flounder. But when I look back through the years I know that through every trial Jesus is wooing my heart, drawing me to Himself, showing me more and more of His faithfulness. That is His goodness. As painful as it can be, I am thankful for every opportunity to run deeper into the heart of God--- My Hiding Place. As I cling to His Word, He speaks to me… “I love you.”

One day at a time, My Hiding Place is becoming more and more my home.

                            “You are a hiding place for me;

 you preserve me from trouble;

 you surround me with shouts of deliverance.”

Psalm 32:7

Name Change

After much deliberation, I have decided to change the title of my blog to… (drumroll) A Stronger Safety. This was the title of my first post and the title I had first chosen for this blog. I hope this does not cause any confusion, but I would like to expand the focus of my blog to include a slightly wider range of material--- with less focus on the “prodigal” and more attention given to the journey of learning to trust Jesus, whatever issues arise. To be honest, I am uncomfortable labeling any beloved child of God as a prodigal because I believe God is restoring them, and that’s where I want to fix my eyes.

We have all been prodigals at some time in our lives, in some fashion. And many times we, as parents of “prodigals” need to run into the waiting arms of Jesus just as much as our children do.  I can run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to control my life and my children’s lives so that we are safe.  To quote from my first post on this blog---

“Safety… it seems to be a basic need. When I don’t feel safe, I don’t have peace. To be honest with you, writing a blog does not feel at all safe to me. There is nowhere to hide. I am exposed to the entire world. But just beyond my fear there is a safety that is stronger than the safety of being unknown. It is stronger than the safety of order and control and not making mistakes. And it is stronger than the safety of having well-adjusted children who follow the rules, make wise choices, love God and love me. This Stronger Safety is a person—Jesus Christ, and this blog will be about Him.”

Because I still have sons in the court system and battling addictions, I hope that my posts will continue to be relevant to those of you seeking peace while loving prodigals. We will see where God takes me. Maybe the name will be the only noticeable difference. I hope you will still tune in and that the change will remind you more of the safety we have in Jesus, than the issues that bombard us.

You can watch for my first post in A Stronger Safety  within the next week or so.

Please let me know your thoughts!